The Breakup Letter

Dear Fourth,
We're done.

Yeah, I know.  It's lame of me to write you a letter, but, frankly, after the way you behaved last night, I just didn't have it in me to do this over coffee.  That and the fact that I don't drink coffee.

Oh, it's true--I loved you for a long time.  It's true you used to make my eyes light up and my heart go pitter patter.  Not to mention what you could do to my old Barbies and army men.  But those halcyon days of dancing butterflies and silver fountains are faint memories now.  Just like my neighbor's plastic garbage can.

As for last night?  My God, you were so full of yourself.  All red, white and BOOM!  And the more the girls screamed, the more you went off.  It was like I was reading a Viagra warning, and all I could think was "eight more hours of this?!"

So, this is it.  You are no longer da bomb. My love for you has fizzled.  Now that I have seen you for what you really are--a crazy cracker--I will no longer be your lady finger.

Sincerely,
Jane