M&Ms Melt in My Mouth--Leaving My Hands Really Clean!

Had I been born 2,000 years ago, I so would have been a Pharisee. A forgetful one, albeit, but a Pharisee, nonetheless. And, really, doesn’t “Pharisee” have a nice ring to it? Certainly sounds better than “hypocrite" . . . .

Granted, I don’t look that hot in a robe, but I’ve got the whole “letter of the law” thing down pat, so I readily would have accommodated those flowing threads, because it’s important to dress the part.

Here I am, halfway through Lent, and I really haven’t changed that much, despite having gone almost 4 weeks without candy. Even if I'm not really giving up Milky Ways for the Lord, exactly. That would be lame. But, believe me when I say that me going almost a month without candy is like a crack addict going three days without a fix. Or a teen boy going ten minutes without thinking about boobs. Any way you look at it, it’s pretty freaking amazing that I have resisted all things Nestle for this long.

So, where’s the whole “Pharisee” thing come into play? Turns out, mostly on my cookie sheet. And I’ve framed it all in a clever riddle.

When is candy not candy? When it’s in a cookie.

See, I’ve been pounding monster cookies like there’s no tomorrow. And, at this rate, "no tomorrow" is a real possibility. But my supremely-honed Pharisaic conscience is as clear as a spring morning. How? Well, I've convinced myself that an M&M undergoes changes--scientifically-proven changes!-- when nestled among cupfuls of white flour and brown sugar.

Some people would claim that I have no more given up candy than Rush Limbaugh has given up his housekeeper’s Oxycodone. But, here, I respectfully disagree with my naysayers, my inner Pharisee coming to my rescue.

If I can pull off this whole “no candy, unless baked into a cookie” thing, it’s possible I may be ready for bigger things. Like a career in politics or talk radio. Yeah, I know--both already are rife with long-robed rapscallions. But most of them are men.

We need more boobs in politics and talk radio. And I just may be the right boob for the job.