Mean Girl With Crazy Overbite

Finn, who is not Tessa.

I admit it.  I hate Tessa.

I hate her stupid haircut.  Her dumb dirty-blonde hair.  Her tinny, awful voice.

In fact, I hate her so much that, in all these years of living near her,  I've never even bothered to find out what her stupid name is, until this morning, when I was forced to learn it.

"TESSA!  STOP it!  Or I'll bring out the water.  I mean it!  Okay.  I'm getting the water. . . "

Again--the damned water that never appears.  And, again,  I am left calming myself, cursing that stupid purse dog and her tiresome "owner, " as though any human has any chance at all of owning Tessa.

It's like a scene from "Groundhog's Day."

Every morning, tucked into the corner of her Tom Sawyer picket fence, Tessa lays in wait, giddy with dreams of gaslighting Finn and me.  It's as if she can sense that, by the time we reach her yard, I'm finally peaceful, having just forgotten who our president is. 

If Tessa were an 8th grader, I'd call her a mean girl.  She's Scott Farkus, with an ugly overbite.  And her owner is that desperate stoolie by her side, always threatening to act, but never quite following through.

To be fair, Tessa didn't get this way on her own.  She's the product of years of reactionary, waterless threats, not a backbone within miles of her.  And therein lies the rub for me.

Tessa, it turns out, is the perfect product of her upbringing.  Which makes my thoughts turn to baseball . . . .

Baseball might be America's favorite pastime but it makes a lousy repository of parenting tips.  If we've laid the foundation at all, three strikes are two strikes too many.   Empty threats eventually are exposed for what they really are--veiled permission to repeat the infraction.  And even a dumb dog is smart enough to take advantage of that kind of loophole.

As a dog lover, I'm ashamed of how much I hate Tessa.  But maybe my gripe isn't with her after all.  Maybe it's with the robed woman underneath the porch light, who always shows up 30 seconds too late, uttering nonsensical sounds falling on deaf doggy ears.

Maybe she's the one who needs a time out.