Dear John/Jane/Juan,

As the school year revs up,  it seems to me that educators have overlooked a golden opportunity to reach out to one incredibly valuable group of people--namely, parents.

Sure, as parents of school-aged children, we regularly rip open every piece of school-related mail addressed to our children.  Sure, we're the ones who often get stuck filling out the forms, writing the lunch-account checks,  taking the kids to the doctor for their physical, standing in line for the school counselor, walking the aisles of Target, scouring for school supplies and semi-suitable outfits.

But each of those activities is nothing more than an act of vicarious--often pricey--living that leaves us feeling broke, blah and befuddled.

What if, each August,  the schools wrote a letter just to the parents?  In my fantasy world, that letter might look something like this:

Dear LPS Parents (Better yet?   Dear Jane and Mark, )

First of all, you look mah-velous.  And, in two short weeks, you also will look contented and well-rested, as your darling chitlins start spending their daylight hours somewhere else...at least until they turn 18 when, legally, they have a right to drop out of school and live, full-time (and, probably, fully unemployed), in the funky-smelling, junk-strewn basement bedroom they've pretty much destroyed already. 

Ah, but we digress, . . . . 

As your child tries to anticipate what it is that the popular kids will wear and carry with them this fall, we thought you might appreciate your own set of pointers, so that you, too, could navigate the public-school waters with confidence and a bit of style.  Below, then, are some things we'd like you to keep in mind.

•Make sure your child has some breakfast every morning.  Preferably something without the name "Cap'n," "McMuffin," or "Red Bull"  in it.

•Beyond the Trapper Keepers, Justin Bieber mini posters and Axe aerosol cans, it would be fantastic if your child's backpack also had a pen and some paper in it.  Don't forget that banks still give away free pens now and then.

•Please don't send your child an hourly text message.  As vital as it may be to know who is in her class or what the teacher is wearing, these messages also can, on occasion, interrupt a class lesson.

•Find a black Sharpie and draw a line on a piece of paper.  On one side of the line, write "My life."  On the other side, "My child's life."  Post this paper on your bathroom mirror and  do your best not to confuse the two sections.

•Finally, as hard as this may be to believe, all of your child's teachers and paras and principals and school cooks and counselors and custodians are doing their best.  They aren't the enemy.  They aren't after your child.  And they don't sleep in coffins filled with spiders and snakes.  Actually they are real people, just like you and your child.  Really, really tired people, but people, nonetheless.  And they are mah-velous, just like you.

Thanks so much and have a great year!

Your School Staff