Amy Vanderbilt Takes on Facebook, Kind Of. . . .

If Amy Vanderbilt were alive today, I imagine she’d curl her perfectly-shaped lips at the very idea of Facebook.  Heck, my lips, which are hardly perfectly-shaped and sometimes crack a bit, have been curling for the past week and I’m not easily offended or particularly polite.

Perusing Facebook posts, you would never know that the campaign season is over.  In fact, it feels to me that people are spewing their rhetoric at an ever-greater fever pitch, their fingers spontaneously combusting as the vitriol leeches from their bodies and leaks onto the keyboard.  

When I (hesitantly) signed up for Facebook a few years ago, after getting the swing of things, my greatest joy was in de-cooling something the younger generation had thought they discovered.  I still get a kick out of posting a lousy pun and have trouble resisting occasional bouts of toilet humor, but I must say that the mean people out there are starting to de-cool the medium for me, too.  

So, maybe it’s time for a few lessons from “Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette”   For a book written long before the digital revolution, many of these lessons still resonate, even if the examples seem a little silly.

Dear Amy:  Why does my FB friend post such uncomfortable things? 
Amy:  “There are people who seem to have been born tactful and others who, no matter what they are told or how often they offend consciously or unconsciously, continue their stream of personal questions to the discomfort of all those with whom they come in contact.  I'd never ask my best friend whether he or she had dyed hair, false teeth, a wooden leg.”

Dear Amy:  I’ve got a FB friend who lashes out online.  What should I do?
Amy:  “When people are angry and abusive toward some friend, associate, or
member of their family, don't take sides. Listen, refrain from expressing an
opinion, and stay objective, though vaguely sympathetic.”

Dear Amy:  Some FB friends think everyone agrees with their opinions.  Uh, that isn’t actually true.  Why do they assume such a thing?
Amy:  “If we know nothing of our neighbor's beliefs or background we may unwittingly offend him. If we have only a vague idea of his religious customs and taboos we may seem discourteous by our failure to respect them in our contact with him.  Intolerance often stems from our primitive suspicion of anything that is different or not a part of our own experience.”

Dear Amy:  How can I avoid FB confrontations?
Amy:  “The hostess with any experience avoids asking a guest who might well turn out to be a thorn in the side to other guests present. If it is necessary to entertain such a burr, she restricts others present to her immediate family, whose reactions she hopes she can control with signals.  A clever hostess can say in the midst of a heated argument, "Joe, we can't all follow you in debate, but I know I'm dying to hear you beat out that boogie-woogie."


 Dear Amy: I'm thinking about unfriending someone. Any advice?
Amy: Divorce should never be entered into in the midst of battle but should follow, if all efforts of settlement of differences fail, only after as lengthy a separation as possible. It is not only poor taste but a foolhardy procedure to air one's domestic troubles in public.

Ah, but even Amy’s not perfect. . .

Amy on bacon:  “Very crisp bacon may be eaten in the fingers if breaking it with a fork would scatter bits over the table. Bacon with any vestige of fat must be cut with fork or knife and eaten with the fork.”


A fork.  
Yeah, right!