Bandaids for Beheadings

We all have our "off" days, our less-than-stellar performances. These moments frame us in our matte finish, rather than the glossy one we'd prefer. So be it. Best to just embrace the embarrassment and move on.

And so, below is a list of some of my better worst moments. I list them so that I can pretend they will just disappear now that I've owned them in print.

A girl can dream. . . .

Spinach Balls
Writing about these won't make them go away, I know. Even though Mark wishes they'd never surfaced in the first place. I totally own this one. But, in my lame defense, my children now eat a LOT of spinach, even though it's rolled up and jammed in their cheeks like a wad of chew. And they don't need any dressing, either. Which is really, really bad for you.

Chic Jeans
It's possible that, for a short time in his young life (maybe a year, tops), my son wore my Chic jeans to school. Hey, they fit and they were really slimming on him.

Dog "Food"
The last year or so of our dog Rasta's life included a steady downward spiral of her weight. Her vet asked me a series of questions about the weight loss, finally asking what it was I fed her. When I mentioned that I'd found an off brand that only cost $4 for a 20-pound bag, I was told that the reason she was losing weight was because I was feeding her "packing peanuts in a light gravy." That day, I became a name-brand pet-food shopper.

The Dog-Poop Potato-Scrubber Incident
I'd rather not go into the details here, except to say that I only had to learn this lesson once.

Homemade Maxi Pads
After becoming a full-fledged woman at 11 (my mom's words, not mine), I was so horrified by the transformation and too embarrassed to ask for replacement packs that I made my own pads for about a year. Pretty sure Kleenex stocks rose about the same time. . . .

Mannheim Steamroller
Yeah, I was a fan. A BIG fan. For kind of a long, long time. And I still like hearing their version of "Silent Night." Just deal with it.

I think you get the point. Besides, I've got other things I want to do today, beyond just making myself feel stupid. Like go to Walgreens, where floating pens and wrinkle cream are buy-one-get-one.